he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
