he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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