He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
