wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
