Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
