i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
