Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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