if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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