Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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