I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
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