Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Randomize
