Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
