you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
