I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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