Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Randomize
