Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
