Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
