i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Someone shit on the floor
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
