During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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