you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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