The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
