There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
