My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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