He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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