i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
