I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize