Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
