We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
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