why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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