DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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