who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize