I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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