Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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