Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
