We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
