The maid of honor just puked.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
