I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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