Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
