omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
