Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
