Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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