I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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