Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize