I'm going to rape someone's good day.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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