She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
