I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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