1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize