I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
