Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
