How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Randomize
