Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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