If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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