I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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