you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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