There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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