a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
