Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Sober January is a disaster.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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