I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm both gender and math confused
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
